Joyful Courage: Calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey AUDIOBOOK will be available just in time for the Back to school season – it’s summer now, but soon we will all be looking at the transitions that come with fall. I am confident that the Joyful Courage audiobook will be a supportive companion as you ride it out with your kids – full of stories and tools that will connect you with self and others, the audiobook will be something you can listen to over and over and over again. Keep staying tuned in for details as we get closer to launch day!! Follow Joyful Coruage on FB and IG, and sign up for my weekly newsletter at www.joyfulcourage.com/join
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Hello! You have found yourself listening to Joyful Courage – and conscious parenting podcast, where we talk about the everyday challenges of parenting and HUMANING in a real and transparent way – I am your host, Casey O’Roarty. I am a Positive Discipline trainer and parent coach doing my very best to raise my own two teens agers in a way that grows their internal sense of being the creators of their own lives, and supporting other parents in doing the same with their kids.
The interviews and solo shows you will hear on this podcast are my explorations of how to be as authentic and mindful as we can be, while treating the fellow humans in our life, small and big, with the dignity and respect they all deserve.
If you like what you hear, please rate and review this show on apple podcasts. And stay tune till the end of the show to hear about how you can join the Joyful Courage community online.
Yay! I’m back! I’ve missed you all!!! It isn’t often that I take time off of this podcast, and I am really grateful to have taken the past few weeks off.
Some of the things that went down included:
Working with three elementary schools here in Bellingham! Supporting the staff members with implementing Positive Discipline in the classroom
Shout out to teachers – they are on the font lines of making the world a better place, and just like all of us, doing the best they can with the tools they have. I have worked with many teachers doing the PD trainer, and I have come across some that are deeply discouraged, and others that are super encouraged and what they all have in common is that they show up each day for the kids in their class. And I just want to say that the ways that parents treat their children’s teacher makes all the difference. Build that relationship – it will benefit not only your child, but all the children in your child’s class because a teacher that feels connected to the families he or she serves is going to show up better – belonging and significance are not only what our kids need, it is what all humans need.
I launched the Parenting Teens with Positive Discipline Audio Summit Encore Offer!
I just couldn’t put these conversations to rest – they were so rich. I know that the whole online summit formula is to give you way more than you can consume in a short period of time and then sell you the whole thing so that you can actually get what you need at your own pace. I followed that formula last time and it felt weird…. I do need to make a living people, and the content I create does have significant value, and…. This felt weird to me. So what I did was I distilled down the content so that it is in bite sized pieces. And omg, going through these audios again was so amazing – I am in a different place than when I recorded these interviews and it really speaks into how our lenses, or our listening, changes over time…. Anyways, I had over 200 people tune into the summit and the feedback was so great!!! If you missed it, I *am* selling the package, with all the interviews in full, for a limited time on my website. $49.
Another significant thing that went down in the last few weeks is that MY SON HAS STARTED AT HIS NEW SCHOOL!!!
Remember, we moved? Do you remember that my son was not so excited? Actually, he was pretty pissed about the whole thing and had a pretty low key summer up here, worrying about what his new school and life was going ot look like.
He did make one friend prior to school starting here in the neighborhood. Shout out to Leona who saw my post in the neighborhood moms FB group about looking for another 8th grader who likes basketball to hand out with my son and got in touch. They hit it off and it made a world of difference for Ian to have a friend walking into the first day.
And just as I suspected, he was fine. Better than fine, he was like a celebrity. And that is how it’s been since school started. He is building a friend group full of really sweet, kind kids. I get to trust his judge of character and remember that Ian likes to be around kids that are nice and fun. Yay. Big exhale there.
So the family is settling in well up here in Bellingham, super happy about the big move….
Today I want to talk about something that I brought to the Joyful Courage Super Fam group recently. Just to remind you, the Super Fam is a group of listeners who find so much value in the podcast that they are willing to give $10/month as a way of saying thank you. They have all received a half hour coaching call with me, and get to participate in a weekly FB Live that I do in our private group. If you are interested in finding out more, go to www.joyfulcourage.com and click the donate button on the navigation bar.
So anyways, I wanted to share what I was teasing apart with the group today for the podcast….
It’s the whole idea of “meeting our kids where they’re at” - We hear these words, but do we really know what they mean?
I really was reminded, over and over again as I curated the interviews for the teen summit, that relationship is everything. Relationship matters people. And often relationship is the starting place for any kind of problem solving/solution finding to happen. We have to pay attention to relationship. Its super foundational, right?
And sometimes, our kids behavior has more to do with how they are feeling inside of relationship with us than anything else – so doing the work to be connected, non-judemental, curious, present, vulnerable, transparent and honest makes a huge difference.
Plus, when our kids are having a hard time, and the relationship isn’t there, the idea that we can meet them where they’re at just isn’t possible. It isn’t possible. Our kids feel met when they feels seen and heard and understood.
So yes, PSA for building relationship. Do it. Work on it al the time. Ask your kids how they know that you love them. Ask them what they think YOU think about them. Get curious to find out what their experience is of you and then listen without talking. Listen. Take it in. And adjust accordingly….
Ok. Back to meeting them where they’re at.
When our kids are having a hard time, when humans are having a hard time – they don’t want to be fixed, and cajoled out of their experience, they want to feel felt. They want to know that you are there with them. They want to know that you see them in their experience. And if your kids are teenagers – they DON’T want to hear what you think about it.
I repeat – teenagers DO NOT want your opinion. They just want you to see them.
Believe me, this is tough. Because I have a lot of opinion. I am a fixer – you have heard me say this before. I am a coach – I COACH PEOPLE TO CREATE RESULTS IN THEIR LIVES AND RELATIONSHIPS – why the HELL wouldn’t my kids want me to coach them????
Oh right, I am their mom.
And they’re teenagers.
Meeting our kids where they’re at is being present inside of an open mind. Allowing yourself (yes you, parent) to be in the space of not knowing, not judging, not opinion-ing, simply BEING with your child.
Now, there may be some mirroring – “you really thought you would get that job and you didn’t” or “you were playing with that game and your brother came over and grabbed it” or “you were telling a story at dinner and were interrupted” – stating what you are hearing out loud for your child to hear.
There may be some validating of feelings, “I bet that feels discouraging” or “that must have been annoying” or “I’m wondering if that hurt your feelings?” but remember that you are just MAKING A GUESS HERE. And that ALL FEELINGS THEY ARE HAVING ARE VALID.
Because, if you are a normal parent, there has probably been a time where you child has shared what is bothering them and how they are feeling and you may have dismissed it or told them “you don’t have to feel that way” or some other you’re -getting-it-wrong kind of response. We all do this from time to time when we are less that conscious of what we are doing. Not judging, just highlighting. And you may have been right – AND the way our kids feel about their experiences are incredibly valid to them, and dismissing that is just plain RUDE.
Yup. Meeting them where they’re at sometimes requires us to not say what we want to say. Sometimes it requires patience and waiting for the opportunity to ask permission. “Can I share an idea with you?” or “Can I tell you what I think?” and being ok with them saying “no” or “not right now”
You all know about the flipping of the lid – the brain science of when we are triggered and don’t have access to our thoughtful, logical mind. If you don’t, go to www.joyfulcourage.com/teachbrain to find out more.
Brain science tells us that meeting our kids or any human where there as is really about being with them during their hard time. That the being with is actually what will build the bridge back to that logical, thoughtful brain, and open the space for our kids to have problems solving conversations or simply to open up more to us about what is going on in their life.
Meeting them where they’re at is about where they are in the moment. The moment holds so much information too, right?
And I think next level is recognizing what is happening for US in the moment. In PD this is the first step for finding the Belief Behind the Behavior.
Are we annoyed as a response to their behavior? Angry? Hurt? Hopeless?? Let’s get clear on the ways we are feelilng, like, deep down, and we can start to understand what is going on for them…. Feeling annoyed typically means our kids are feeling disconnected and are looking to be recognized and acknowledged, feeling angry, like our hackles get raised typically means that our kids are feeling powerless and are looking for control where they can get it – hurt? You can guess that our kids are hurting and passing it along…. Hopeless? That is an indicator that our kids are feeling significantly less than perfect and would rather you not take time to notice….
Now, this isn’t our child or teen being naughty, bad, or misbahving, this is our child or teen navigated their world using the lens they have. So this INFORMATION can help us meet them where they are at to connect and be present to what they need.
So good. And it takes work. It requires we adults do what we need to do to have a clear enough mind to recognize what is happening when it’s happening, you know what I mean?
But but but – my teen is so disrespectful, or they’re lying, or they just don’t care…. Meet them where they are. Be with them. Deepen and nurture the relationship you have with them. Support them in feeling felt. Validate them – and then use curiosity to understand even deeper and find solutions that are useful to them.
So I have a resource for you. If you are listening and nodding your head and thinking yes yes yes and I could use some support IVE GOT YOU!
I am running the JCA again. This will be the fourth round of this, the third time I have focused on teens. But this time there will be two tracks – those of you with tweens and preteens, I see you and I am hearing your feedback. I am going to run a track for parents with kids in middle school as well as a track for kids with older, high school and beyond kids.
The program will start September 30th and registration is open now.
Go to my website – joyfulcourage.com/jcapt and dial it in. The program consists of weekly content – and I am taking what I have been sharing as audio and adding a “webinar-ish” component for those of you that are visual learners – an active community, and a 90 minute one on one call with me to go deep into what your individual challenges are. YES! I am only taking 15 people in each track so if you are into it head over to www.joyfulcourage.com/jcapt right now and get yourself registered.
This program is an investment. It is an investment in time and money. And considering what we tend to easily spend money on, isn’t THIS, our relationship with our growing kids, worth the investment???
www.joyfulcourage.com/jcapt check it out and make it happen, space is limited.
Thank you for listening!!! You can always get MORE Joyful Courage by following me on IG and FB and joining the conversation in my FB Groups – Live and love with Joyful Courage and Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens. Check out my website for more offers like my BOOK, soon to be in AUDIOBOOK FORMAT, one on one coaching and the archive of this podcast.
Signing off for today my friends and leaving you with this ….pause, take a deep breath, ride it into your body, step up to the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be ok.
15 interviews that highlight all the things that show up during the teen years. !5 experts in Positive Discipline who KNOW the world of parenting teens joined me in powerful, useful conversations that I know you will love.
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Thank you to everyone that has been so encouraging on this journey!!! I appreciate you!!!!
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